Respectful Uncoupling Is Possible and Preferable

Some call it “conscious uncoupling.” Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow was on to something here when she proclaimed she was navigating divorce herself.

Or I could have titled this article “The Great (side of) Divorce” with the subtitle “Getting to know the main half of the equation.”

Either way, we know that divorce can be one of the most horrific things you can go through in your life. Why? Because it shatters an idea of unconditional love with this chosen person that you were planning on being with for the rest of your life…and isn’t that what we all crave?

This is why divorce is so high on the stress scale, besides the death of a spouse. It stresses us to our very core.

 

The Role of Spiritual Lessons in Relationships

But is there any good in this experience? Are there any redeeming traits that we can find in the divorce process?

After all, if you’re in the middle of a divorce, you might as well make the best of it. You may have to look hard for the good, or you will be miserable, but it is possible. I’ve seen some good things come out of my divorce and tremendous growth in myself and others that could have only come from a separation/divorce from a spouse.

I believe that your spouse (or intimate partner) is put in your life to teach you your highest spiritual lessons. After all, who could get on your nerves and get you mad or riled up easier than a spouse?

If someone you barely know says something about you, you don’t care, but if your spouse says it, you tend to care a lot! There is heightened emotion.

Rethinking Marriage and Divorce in a Modern Context

When it comes to divorce, some people ask, “Are we meant to stay with someone for the rest of our lives?”

If you feel the answer to that question is yes, then divorce would add another layer of pressure because it may be considered “the ultimate sin or wrongdoing.” I would question those with this belief because they need to think of the source, mesh that with what they feel is right in their heart, and challenge themselves to see if that makes sense in our ever-changing modern world.

Should we really feel like a failure if we get divorced? Maybe not. Should we change partners like underwear? No.

Marriage is a serious commitment, but it’s not a life sentence, and if it starts to feel that way, then it needs to be amicably dissolved.

Marriage was established historically to protect and provide for women and children. Then the government got involved, and things got much more complicated! Having children can complicate a divorce, along with having more cash or assets. Often, there’s going to be fighting, and it’s much harder to extricate yourself from this type of relationship. 

I think the way marriage contracts evolved laid the foundation for much of the nastiness. We can’t just walk away; we have to fight for things, and due to the negative emotions generated, we can use children and assets as ways to hurt the other person. But this does not have to be; it is still our choice!

Does it have to be that you are completely in love with someone, and when they decide to leave you, you suddenly go to the other end of the spectrum and hate them? Is there nothing in between?

Actually, hate is not the opposite of love; indifference is. So, couples that have fallen out of love are more indifferent and can usually have more amicable breakups. This is not often the case because at least one partner is often very hurt, especially if they’re being left. This hurt is because of their love, where the raw emotion turns into nastiness and an attempt at revenge.

 

Lessons from “Conscious Uncoupling”

As I mentioned earlier, I do believe Gwyneth Paltrow was onto something when she talked about “conscious uncoupling.” I don’t think we need to make the biggest deal about the divorce; it’s how we handle it.

Can we distance ourselves from that person and still hope for the best for them while managing our own emotions in the meantime?

It’s easy to love someone who supports you, takes care of you, etc., but when they leave you, can you offer the same type of deep unconditional love?

This seems to be the question.  Our character in love is often shown only when tested.

This is the biggest test love can go through, besides forgiving a partner who has cheated on you.

Often, divorces will involve one partner cheating, and there is not much hope. In that case it’s heartbreaking, but you must question whether you really want to be with somebody that doesn’t want to be with you. Having the love and self-respect you need will help you realize, in the long run, that this is for the best if they are leaving you for another person. But if they want you back, I would urge you to take the high road and try to forgive because it can take the relationship to the next level. It shows your divinity to be able to pardon their mistake or “humanness.”

When I got divorced after a twenty-five-year relationship, I was shocked and sad, but definitely more sad than angry. It took a while, but I eventually took off my ring because I had to.

Isn’t it amazing that two people have to agree to get married, but when it comes to divorce, one person can just say, “I’m out of here,” and it’s okay? Obviously, that makes sense. It’s funny how you must agree to go in but not come out.

So, because I don’t accept things as always having to be the way people say they should be, I decided that I would amicably release my love but still be creative and maintain some sort of control. I got a kanji symbol tattoo on my wedding ring finger, which stands for “eternity” or “forever.” My little rebellious thought was, “You can make me take off my ring, but you can’t make me take off my tattoo!” That tattoo, to me, was to stretch my capacity to love and to show that I will be dedicated to loving this person in a wholesome yet now unromantic way until they die, but until I die.

Again, it’s easy to love someone who’s there and taking care of you, but not when you’re seeing their back walk away. I’m happy to say I was successful in this love until he passed away a few years back. Because of my attitude, we maintained a 10-year relationship as friends after we divorced.

Finding Independence and New Opportunities

I continued to learn and grow because I was not fighting bitterness. I tried to understand all the reasons why he left, and some of them were valid. Then, I worked on myself and my inner healing—not because I wasn’t good enough, but because I wanted to improve. I wanted to grow and evolve. To be honest, I know I probably couldn’t have done all that work and grown like this without him in my life.

So, understanding your partner and why they are leaving on as many levels as you can is essential to your healing.

What is great about divorce? Being alone and having no children might have been harder for me because there was no one to focus on except myself. That turned out to be great for me because I had the independence to do whatever I wanted, pursue a business on my own, and do a lot of deep inner spiritual work without worrying about children.

Navigating Divorce with Children

But most people have children, so let’s discuss that scenario. The average mom, whether she works outside the home or not, is responsible for the kids 24/7. Can she sometimes get away and bug her husband to watch them for the weekend? Maybe, but it’s more often the husband going hunting or on a business trip, and she’s always left with the children, often acting as a single parent.

Now, let’s look at the scenario of a divorce. A common scenario is the children live with the mother, but one night a week and every other weekend, they’re with their father as long as he is not a deadbeat dad. A whole new world opens up for the mother, even though she might not realize it right at the moment. 

I remember my girlfriend went through a pretty bad divorce where there was some cheating, and she decided to leave him. They had two children, so she was a little bit bitter, understandably. Often, parents worry for their children, because the family is breaking up, and they wonder how the children will take it. Well, children are resilient, and if you look at your own life, you’re often the child of a divorced family anyway. If two parents love their children, whether they are living together or not, they have all they need.

Months later, my friend met a really cool guy, and they had music in common. She was getting ready to catch a flight to LA to sing with him in his band, and she was wearing these really cool rhinestone-studded jeans. Because she would complain about the divorce and her ex here and there, I couldn’t resist saying, “Do you think you would be singing in a rock band in LA with those cool jeans if you were still married?” 

She laughed and said no because she had become a “Stepford wife,” trying to suppress herself to please him, which is never good. So, now she can break out and be herself and have the opportunity, if she wants to take it, for deep learning. She would never have this if she had stayed in that marriage.

Treat Divorce With Respect

This brings me to the point of telling people not to judge. If people believe, because of their religious dogma, that divorce is wrong, they should still stay out of other people’s relationships and let the person work that out with their spouse and the divine. It is simply none of their business. We should do our best to support each partner, but if we were friends with the wife for 30 years, we would probably end up siding with her and not hanging out with the ex. That’s okay as well and makes sense in that situation.

Treating all involved with respect during this really tough time is so important.

It’s not even who you end up befriending more or supporting more; it’s how you treat both of them in this often very difficult process.

If you are the one leaving your spouse for another man, do it with respect and don’t cheat with that man if possible until you have explained to your husband that you no longer want to be with him. Look into his eyes and kindly explain the reasons for this and how you wish him the best for the rest of his life. This is the path to being able to look at yourself in the mirror every day. 

The question isn’t who you should be with; it’s what’s happening in your life that’s causing you to switch partners. Because it really doesn’t matter which dance partner you’re with on the Titanic, does it? You’re still going down; that’s the real issue. What’s going on with you spiritually and emotionally that’s causing you to make these choices to stay or to go?  That is the first question you should be asking yourself during this difficult time in your life. 

We all know a person never truly fulfills us unless we are fulfilled and love ourselves first. This goal of self-acceptance and self-love is often a lifetime journey that no one fully reaches. However, spending time alone contemplating things can get us there faster because we can more fully focus on this goal and ourselves without worrying about a partner.

 

Taking Time for Yourself After Divorce

I highly recommend that people spend some time alone when navigating divorce. Maybe not nine years like me, but instead of dating a million people to try to find the one, I took all that time to work on myself, my business, and my hobbies. Spend time imagining the traits that you want in your next partner. After all, you know the traits you don’t want because of the relationship you just came out of! Focus on your divinity and realize you are a beautiful spirit. 

Because we often participate in so much projection in our relationships in the modern world, if we believe in the beauty we see in ourselves and our divinity, we can more easily project that onto our partner. 

If this goal can be achieved, any divorce, especially a loving respectful one, can be considered a “success.” The added benefit is that you are a much more balanced and whole person to attract the next partner in your life, which may be your forever.