You may have gone through a breakup recently, so you’re reading this blog.

Based on experience with past breakups, wouldn’t you admit that you have the potential to learn a lot from a breakup?

Having said that, would you agree that living life is about learning lessons and growing closer to your true self and the Universe /God?

So, if breakups provide us the ability to learn more about ourselves, God/the Universe, and other people, then hooray for breakups…even if they can suck in the moment or even months after. Trust me, I know. I’m writing this out of the desire to share the way I handled being broken up with. So, let’s dive right in.

Breakups can catapult you into feeling deep emotions when you may have been living an emotionally mundane life and were simply going through the motions of day-to-day life and your relationship. This is not truly living but simply existing.

At the very least, breakups are a chance to reflect on your own needs, work on yourself, and feel less pressure to “do” for a partner.

 

Helpful Breakup Tips

Here are some helpful tips that I have learned over the years through a divorce and a bad breakup:

1. Find something you love to do, which is also comforting when you’re in a really bad spot.

Eating is not a good choice when you’re feeling bad because you will most likely make bad choices and eat fast food or heavily processed food. This will result in you being unhealthy, having low energy, clogging up your brain from thinking clearly, and eventually, causing weight gain and lower self-esteem.

Other ideas would be journaling/writing, dancing, taking a walk, calling a friend, taking a hot bath, getting a massage, or anything else that’s nurturing.

ME: I would dance, write, and do TRE (trauma release exercise), which is a shaking method to relieve trauma.

2. Doing inner work.

There’s always some insecure spot in you that you could work on, which becomes amplified when you have someone break up with you/reject you. This could be a time that you could work on that area or work on dealing with it. Pushing this feeling, sub-personality, or past trauma down could most likely be connected to an undesirable part of your personality that might even be connected to why your partner broke up with you in the first place. It could have caused you to be insecure in certain ways, lose your temper faster, or simply not have the capacity to open your heart to let your partner “in” enough to satisfy him or her. Working on this area of yourself will bring deep satisfaction and aid in your next relationship. 

You may also not realize that it increases stress on the central nervous system when you have big issues under the surface. They don’t go away. They get caught in the body’s connective tissue and can even contribute to pain and inflammation. When you really think about it, your new ex may have done you a favor in bringing this issue to light. Now, you can dig into yourself and uncover wounds that need to be healed anyway for your future happiness and deeper intimacy.

ME: I got deeper into my meditation. At the end of the day, I would use sage and Palo Santo to rid myself of negative energy. I would also use flower essences in my water to shift my emotions slowly. I went to California and drank San Pedro, a plant medicine or entheogen, which had profound healing effects on me emotionally.

 

3. Consider speaking to a therapist (because your friends are not therapists).

You also can’t expect them to give you unbiased advice because, of course, they are going to take your side over your new ex. If more friends spoke honestly and were a “Devil’s Advocate,” the conversations would be much more effective in getting you to where you should be. A therapist is obviously being paid, and they do this for a living. They’re going to be unbiased and will sit and listen to you for an hour, whereas most friends want to bash the person who hurt you and then talk about you finding someone better.

You can also opt to sit in a room and talk to yourself. Just don’t answer, or people will think you’re crazy. But seriously, as you speak out loud to yourself in trying to ask questions and understand a situation, you will find that after a while, some profound things will come out of your mouth in relation to the situation. It’s amazing. Try it!

ME: I most definitely would talk to friends, but try not to burden one friend too much. I would take long walks and talk to different friends a couple of nights a week. However, I did opt to just sit by some lit candles and crystals and talk to myself, and I swear I began to channel God or my higher self because some very profound things came out of my mouth, and that was helpful. I actually became my own little therapist.

 

4. Avoid making too many bad comments about your ex. 

You’ve obviously been with this person for months or years, and you can appear to have no common sense if you make them out to be a total jerk now… like you didn’t pick up on it all that time. It’s also hard because it’ll make your family and friends hate him or her, and if you decide to get back together with them, they won’t be so forgiving.  Then you have to do damage control and deal with that scenario.

Not verbally bashing your ex may be hard to do. You will go through an anger phase if you’ve been broken up with. Remember, this person might not have specifically been trying to hurt you; they may just be insensitive or simply thinking about themselves. But it wasn’t necessarily about you, usually it’s always about them. They may soon learn that the grass isn’t always greener, and then you can sit back and watch. You should not publicly shame them or spread rumors. If you want to tell a few of your friends what you thought they did that was disrespectful, disloyal, or dishonest, that is fine. That is speaking your truth.

ME: I explained the situation in a factual, unbiased way to family and close friends. They were the ones that then got riled up and said bad things about my ex. When someone treats you unfairly, other people can see it, and you certainly don’t have to say it. That was my situation because they could see that I had already searched for anything I had done wrong to possibly cause the situation. I never became a victim over the circumstances, and I tried to rectify any small issues my ex might have mentioned to me while we were dating to make sure I rectified them immediately. It was also funny that he had nothing bad to say about me when we broke up.

 

5. Write down your feelings in lieu of texting or calling your new ex.

It’s important to track all of your feelings so you can validate them and think about them more later. You can speak them into the notepad on your phone or just write them down each time you have a feeling or want to say something to them. This helps you return to your work or whatever else you were doing, knowing you can return to that thought for later contemplation. Each thought does not have to throw off your whole day.

It’s never a good idea to shoot a bunch of texts or emails to your new ex while on your roller coaster of emotions. It will most likely make things worse. Silence speaks volumes in this situation, and at best, it prevents more anger and animosity from your new ex and, at worst, at least preserves your dignity. They may have thought you would have chased them or yelled or spread rumors about them, and when you don’t engage in this type of activity, it shows you’re above that behavior and that you have good character, which is important if you want to be friends later or maintain any type of contact.

ME: Because I was a little shocked by the abruptness of the breakup, as I had thought we were going to try to work on things after he went on a spiritual retreat, I admit that I sent a few texts afterward trying to understand the situation. It was probably easier for him to hide behind the text instead of saying the things he said in the text to my face. So, that made it easier for him because later, I found out they were a twist of the truth. Then, there was minimal texting. I kind of saved it all up because I had been journaling for many months. Then I sent him a goodbye letter like a little book, with pics and saying many good things about him, validating the relationship, but then expressing my pain. I only did this because I asked to speak with him one more time, and he could not give me that small request after a 7-year relationship.

 

6. Consider putting yourself in their shoes. 

Most likely, they are hurting and might not even have wanted to break up with you but felt they had to because of something that you wouldn’t change in the relationship.

If that is the case, and they broke up with you for a specific reason, they could actually be more upset than you. It’s almost like if you had to break up with somebody because they were an alcoholic. You’d still love them and no doubt miss them tremendously, but you couldn’t be with someone who’s an addict for obvious reasons. Based on past conversations, you probably know if your ex broke up with you because of something that you would not change or could not do for them.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself in an effort to put yourself in their shoes:

• What was their childhood like?
• What were their past intimate relationships like?
• What are their insecurities that you’ve come to know since being with them?

The fact that you’re asking these questions, you most likely are going to come out with information that shows they are a wounded person. However, this never gives anyone permission to be able to abuse you or treat you disrespectfully.

However, if you need to forgive a new ex, imagining yourself in their position is always best. This is the foundation for me to forgive someone, and I think it will also help you tremendously.

ME: I’m all about this. My friends say I’m too forgiving, but it works best for me to live that way, and I have no regrets. I not only meditate and put myself in his place, I literally sent him a video after we broke up, just to be sure he understood that I validated his pain, that I took from a few minor things he said to me, but also from his childhood and some things that have happened to him. This was good and always helps me along the path to forgiveness.

 

7. Consider the reward of acting in an ethical and compassionate way.

You already feel bad about yourself; don’t feel worse about yourself by acting disrespectfully judgmental to the person who broke up with you. When we act badly, we always feel bad about ourselves. When we act in a good and respectful way, it makes us feel better. In a breakup situation, you are definitely craving to feel better, so this can help and you can be proud of yourself for how you have treated and respected this person on their way out of your life.

Always remember this important thing: It’s easy to love someone taking care of you, helping you, and pouring into you; it’s not so easy to love someone walking away. That is the test of true, unconditional love and a challenge. You can love someone from a distance and really hope for the best for them, whether they know it or not.

This beautiful, loving energy will return to you and release a myriad of potential and possibilities for your future with this person or someone new.

 

ME: This is me, big time. I am not going to stoop to screaming and yelling and cursing at someone who simply decides he doesn’t want to be with me. Depending on how the person handles it, which in this case was terrible, reactions could be different. But I stayed above it all and only used kind words even though the truth can be a sword if the person feels guilty and knows they really did wrong and should have treated you better. I am sure he’ll figure that out in time.

I can’t make someone treat me better, but I can make them wish that they did.

 

8. Take full responsibility for your part in the breakup.

Given your specific circumstances, this needs to be done no matter how hard it is or how ridiculous it may seem. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself; it means taking responsibility. This also does not mean feeling guilty because guilt does nothing for the other person or for you. A wise woman once told me that “conscience” causes us to act in a way that is right to possibly rectify the situation. 

So, if this person broke up with you because you were treating them badly, then a conversation could be had around the fact that you understand that you’ve done that and can then sincerely apologize for it. Whether that makes them take you back or not is irrelevant; it’s just the right thing to do.

You may have very good reasons for doing what you did or acting the way you did with the partner based on his or her actions. It’s important to keep in mind that no one is a victim, even if they treated you badly, as you allowed them to. Unless somebody has us literally tied up, we always have the free will to walk out.

So, ask yourself some of these questions:

• Did you see some red flags early on that you ignored?
• Were you denying yourself things you knew were fair for you to have in the relationship just because you didn’t want to make waves?
• Should you have broken up with this person way back based on the behavior they were showing you?
• Were you just hanging on for reasons of insecurity or comfort?

These are important to know by delving into and reflecting on what happened.

ME: I definitely searched hard and came up with any small things I could have done better. This was part of the video I sent him, validating his feelings. But then I realized that the biggest thing I did was give too much and not stand up for myself to get my needs met. He was just so miserable most of the time that I felt bad asking for my needs to be met when he was always in such a terrible position. That should have been a huge red flag because some who are always in a bad position when they have a great family, are attractive, or smart, and actually have the potential to be really funny, with, might I say, a pretty good girlfriend-they’re definitely taking a victim stance! That is something I can’t do anything about.

 

9. Don’t always look at the good times with this person. 

Normally, looking at the good is always the best way because it brings about feelings of gratitude. But when someone breaks up with you or even when someone dies, all we remember is the good. It wasn’t all good; it was probably 25 to 50% bad, and we need to remember some of that, too. You must remember that now you won’t have to deal with those challenges any longer, which might be good.

ME: I tried to look at a mix of the good times but also at the heavy energy and presence he brought to the table because he had a very pessimistic and negative attitude that came out a few years after the relationship started. I think I put him in a blissful mood, but when he couldn’t be around me all the time, he started to become resentful and pull himself into his shell, like Cancers often do, and I just couldn’t get him out. So, it can be a bit refreshing not to have to emotionally babysit someone, so I focused on that.

 

10. Consider the best of these four ways to react to a breakup:

1. Take no responsibility, scream and stomp your feet, drag their name through the mud, and decide to hate them.

How does that feel?

2. Feel sorry for yourself, go inward, and become a victim. Then, try to get them to feel sorry for you and beg them to take you back.

How is that working for you?

3. Make them feel guilty in any way possible, whether it’s passively aggressive or aggressive.

How much of your time and energy is that wasting?

4. Decide to learn and become a better person so that you can look back at this trying time and actually be proud of yourself for how you handled it.

Now we’re talking!

This is a win-win! You get to learn and grow, and the other person gets the peace to go off on their own and decide if they truly were happier without you. And if they’re still in your circle, you get to watch their life either unravel because they keep making the same mistakes because YOU weren’t really the problem…or you see them improving their lives and becoming better without you. Although that is sad if you really loved that person, you are now being presented with another challenge to see if you can really be happy for them.

ME: I chose #4 and always will. Why not become a better person when someone who’s not really worthy of you walks out of your life?

So, what does this look like?

a. Sit back and assess the situation before you react.

Did your ex feel like they had to break up with you? What was your contribution to the failed relationship? Were you really happy in the relationship? Did they do you a favor?

b. Allow some dead space before contacting them at all (if you choose to). Sometimes, if the situation allows, you may want to have a final conversation to wrap things up and possibly take care of any real loose ends (dealing with family and friends, possessions, etc.).

c. Focus on yourself because now you have more time to do things that nurture and take care of yourself, especially now that you’re hurting. If you haven’t started a self-care routine, this is your wake-up call to do so.

d. Reflect and use the breakup as an important milestone in your life to improve and become more confident.

The Phoenix rose out of the ashes, and you can too!

Reactions from your new ex…

The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.

If someone is ranting and raving and still super upset at you, guess what? They still have emotions for you, and that’s a telltale sign, in case you were wondering.

If they’re extremely guarded and put up a wall and possibly even tell you that, it’s because they still have feelings for you.

Either of these cases doesn’t mean that the relationship will work out, but it does show that they had deep feelings for you at one point and may still have some.

Now, there are two types of what seems like “indifference.” The first one is if they just don’t care whether they see or don’t see you. This means they’re really not into you and have moved on because they just don’t have any feelings for you.

Obviously, at some point, they did, but when someone feels abused, neglected, or not heard for months or years, they could just go numb and simply not feel anything anymore.

There’s also a more mature reaction that seems like indifference, but it’s not. This is when they can see you as a friend, be truly happy for you and your next relationship, and still hope for the best for you.

In this situation, they don’t harbor many negative feelings that cause them to react. They dealt with their emotions for you in a healthy way and are ready to move on. But this does not mean that they do not care about you.

 

Essential Energy Healing of the Relationship:

In studying energy healing, I have learned that you have your own energy, your ex has his own energy, and the energy of the two of you together, “the relationship,” has its own energy field.

Wow, that really blew me away. So, no matter what the reason is for the breakup, it would be best if you could have a final conversation with your new ex to both take responsibility, apologize, and come up with a strategy of how to move on by agreeing to possibly still see each other/staying friends or not, and then wishing each other well.

This will go a long way toward healing that “relationship” energy I just mentioned and healing different aspects of yourself so that this type of situation does not continue to happen to you.

When they get broken up with or even do something as serious as getting divorced, people think they can skip off into the sunset. They don’t have the emotional intelligence to realize that this “negative relationship energy” will continue unless specifically transmuted into something different, which can be better and more beautiful. I believe both partners would want a successful loving relationship in the future, and this is a foundation to do that no matter how hard it may seem.

Of course, there is a very good chance that your new ex has no intention of getting together with you and chatting about the relationship. They might not have ever wanted to talk about the relationship while you’re in it, let alone now! That’s understandable and probably the case in most break-ups. But you can only be responsible for yourself, and now you’re your new best friend…and that’s how it always should have always been!

An easy thing you can do to help your own healing, which requires no one else, is you go into meditation and see yourself with energetic chords tied between you because they’re there, and in your mind, visualize them being cut. Then you can release this person off into the Universe and wish the best for them. You can also thank God/the Universe for bringing this person/situation into your life because you chose to learn from it and move on to become a better person.

Some people choose to write a letter to their new ex, saying all they need to say, and then burn it. This could provide the same type of healing because you’re releasing everything you wrote in the letter and then burning it, which transmits that energy into something better. This can work as long as you have the right intention.

Hopefully these “Ten Commandments” of my little breakup Bible are helpful. I believe we are attracted to people/mates who help us heal our childhood wounds. They push our buttons, and oftentimes, instead of growing and learning from the situation, we leave them, or they leave us. This results in a breakup, which often breaks someone’s heart. 

I find the more balanced we are, the more we love ourselves and feel like a whole person, and the more we will be attracted to other people who are whole and can commit to a long-term relationship. Yes, there will be buttons pushed because we always have a little bit of past trauma that our intimate partner can bring out, but instead of running, they stay and do the hard work. That’s who you want to be and the type of partner you want to attract. Then, there will be much less likelihood of a chance of another breakup in your future!